The problem with marriage

Jane Austen once said that happiness in marriage was a matter of chance.  The problem with modern marriages today is no different from Austen's time, thus making her statement as valuable and true today as it was then.  Deciding to marry someone is hard. Making a commitment, trusting someone else with your heart, and choosing to be with someone for the rest of your life is no easy decision, yet people married then and continue to decide to marry now. Like then, people marry for various reasons and happiness is either expected or an after thought. 

This leads us to ask ourselves: why did Jane Austen state that happiness in marriage was a matter of chance, was she right, if so, why?  It may surprise many that she was not wrong. Happiness in married life was and still is a matter of chance when one enters marriage for gain rather than for love and to cultivate that love.  Some people marry to obtain something from the marriage, others to fix an incorrigible situation and others to check it off their list, but if one considers why marriage was instituted in the first place then one will realize and understand that marriage is not something that should be entered into lightly and that happiness in married life relies solely on the intent of us marrying.

People often find themselves in loveless marriages due to the intentions they had when entering marriage. Austen's Pride and Prejudice explains this through the various exemplary couples in the story one of them being the girls' parents. The Bennets are the epitome of a couple who neither respect nor love one another and tolerate each other at best.  Mr. Bennet, who was once captured by Mrs. Bennet's beauty, married her for her beauty and since marrying found that her intellect and temper were not up to par to his. Mrs. Bennet married for safety and security and due to Mr. Bennet's lack of interest and parenting found herself in charge over the girls’ discipline.  Happiness in their marriage is non-existent. Their marriage was a marriage of convenience. 

 Charlotte, Elizabeth's best friend, marries Elizabeth's cousin Mr. Collins out of desperation. She knows she is a burden to her parents and that she will have no other prospects of marrying.  Mr. Collins professes that his reason for marrying is due to Lady Debourgh's  suggestion to do so and secures a bride who will take care of him and his home in Charlotte Lucas. Charlotte marries with the whole intention of securing a home of her own and did not care as to how soon that would be as long as she obtained it(Austen, Ch. 22).   Happiness in Charlotte's life is not found beside her husband or her marriage but rather in the comfort of her own home and in finding things for him to do and sending him on errands as Elizabeth witnesses while she is there. Theirs was an advantageous marriage for both. 

Elizabeth's younger sister, Lydia, while on vacation at the seaside, runs off with a man who promises marriage without knowing that he has no intention of marrying her and puts her name and reputation on the line. To rectify the situation, Wickham is forced to marry Lydia to keep from tarnishing both her and her family's good name making the marriage between these characters a marriage of coercion. They were made to marry to rectify bad decisions. Their happiness in this marriage is not assured and is dependent upon the lust that may run dry and not love.

In contrast, Austen epitomizes the perfect couple in Elizabeth's aunt and uncle. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, who love and respect each other and are equals in both intellect and temper, are perfect for one another and enjoy each others company. They also have several kids which shows that they married not only to love one another but also cultivate that love for one another and to pass that on to their offspring. Aunt and Uncle Gardiner are often found given sound advice to their nieces or are assisting the family in some shape or form. The Gardiners love one another; they are happy together; they illustrate that love a is a must in a marriage and that the love they have for one another must be pure and that mutual respect is necessary to have a happy marriage. 

These couples represent the reasons for marriage then and now. They depict the types of marriages that have always existed and represent the reasons why happiness is in fact a matter of chance. When choosing to enter into marriage for gain such as money, status, or even to meet someone's expectations  the couple is left with much heartache and unhappiness.  Once they have attained that which they sought, they achieve satisfaction leaving them satisfied but with an unhappy marriage. The gain acquired is no substitute for love which only supports Austen's idea that happiness in marriage is a matter of chance.

The problem with marriage is not marriage at all but the reasons which people choose to marry. How can we secure our happiness in family life upon entering marriage? The solution is simple enough: marry for love and respect. Is that not the reason that her novel Pride and Prejudice was and still is to this day a beloved favorite? 

When entering the marriage state both people must be able to respect each other in every way. Both individuals must feel that they are regarded as equals and that they are looked upon as a person of invaluable worth and  dignity. When couples respect one another these feelings of equality, worth, and dignity are filled within. These couples can look to each other with a profound respect and love that transcends in them both.

A couple that loves and respects one another look to one another and are fond of each individual's thoughts. They rely on their differences to make them stronger; they search for answers together, work together, and more importantly understand one another even when they don't agree. They also accept and love each other's differences. Couples that respect one another know that they couldn't make it without the other .

We were not put on this earth to go through life alone and marriage was not instituted for gain or for selfish reasons. God instituted marriage so that couples would  cleave unto one another (Genesis 2:24) and to cultivate that love so that they would be "fruitful,, and multiply, and replenish the earth"(Genesis 1:28).  If our intentions of marrying are because we love, respect, and want the best for that other person then our chances of happiness in marriage will be very likely and even more so when both love God. 

My own marriage is not perfect. It has had its fair share of troubles many times. But I have found that as my husband and I strive to make Christ the center of our lives we receive blessings from on high that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us. He is anxiously waiting to bless us with happiness. One of those blessings is to find our life mate so that together we will progress as human beings and reach our potential as we work out the difficulties and trials of life together along with the Savior's help. When we choose love and put God first in our lives, he will surely lead us to the right person for us.